My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Randomize
