id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
