i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
