His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
