Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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