If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
