1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
and she was petting her beer can
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
