I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
