eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
