your thong is hanging out like whoa
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Randomize
