If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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