hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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