I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
You're like the curious george of whores
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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