i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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