Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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