man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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