Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
