I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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