If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Randomize
