I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
