I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
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