so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Did I show you my penis last night?
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
