You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Randomize
