I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
