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I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
pray to the hookup gods
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