I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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