she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Randomize
