I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
