i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
