guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
