Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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