You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
last night I used snow as a chaser
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
