You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
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