If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
