Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
