Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
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