Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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