Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
