Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
