She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Randomize
