Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
