oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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