I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
