Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
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