It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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