Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Randomize
