she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
