Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
