Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I need to wash the frat house off of me
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
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