As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Randomize
